Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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