Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And then my night got REAL pukey
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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