It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
