When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
