I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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