well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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