My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
