I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
