Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
