You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
