Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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