Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
