im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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