I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You are the jesus of drinking
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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