Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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