I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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