we have pet lesbian snakes
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
