girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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