I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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