I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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