Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
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