Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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