I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
