I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
