Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
