My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
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My pussy is not your playground.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize