What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
