do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
