I think I died a long time ago.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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