I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
