No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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