Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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