dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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