WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize