Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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