I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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