You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
