I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
