Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
