Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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