i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
