There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
