you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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