Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
