I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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