dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
