somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
