i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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