It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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