then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
