I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
