i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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