Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
