It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
