she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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