guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
