What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
