I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
