I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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