You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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